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Category: motherhood

Coping with Anger and Anxiety

As much as most of us would like to banish anger, anxiety and other undesired emotions from our experience forever, these feelings are part of being human. And motherhood is one of those knock-you-over-the-head-with-a-2×4 experiences that tends to bring us face to face with our issues. For example, many parents have deep-seated fears about something terrible happening to their children. This fear can manifest as anxiety or even as anger. When my toddler ran out into the parking lot recently, I instantly felt flooded with rage, but beneath the anger was fear and anxiety. As parents we are forced to make decisions every day that impact the lives of our children when we simply do not have enough information to know if we are making the right choices. (As a new mom, I coped with this by obsessive Googling). There are no guarantees. *** This article was published as a guest post on mother.ly. Click here to read the full post…

My (Aspirational) Maternity Leave Routine With a Toddler and a Newborn

Grace Girl was born three and a half weeks ago, and while adjusting to having 2 littles at home is not easy, I am having an easier time of it than I did the first time around. Part of what makes it manageable is getting into a routine that works for us and ensures we are taking care of basic needs every day (eating, sleeping), as well as mental health needs (morale-boosting activities, ie. getting out of the house). A few notes: This general routine is what we aim for, but every day is different. Some days really do go about like this. Other days, we are all still in our pajamas at noon and I am crying right along with a grumpy toddler and overtired newborn, while we sit on the couch watching “Finding Dory,” (that movie was so cute, by the way. Should I blame the fact that the ending made me cry on postpartum hormones?). Other stuff: I feed Grace Girl whenever she is hungry, and I don’t let her go more than 3 hours between feeds during the day. She tends to eat every 2.5-3 hours most of the…

The Tenderness that Tears Me Apart

“Becoming a parent brings you this sadness you never would have known otherwise,” said a dear friend to me on the phone, as I pushed my toddler in her stroller through the sharp wind and shushed my newborn baby, who was zipped up inside my coat in her carrier. And I felt that delicious sense of recognition, of discovering someone else feels the way I feel. And while I don’t wish sadness upon my friends, it is incredible to have a peek into someone else’s tangled thoughts and feelings and find they look a little bit like mine. Before I became a parent, people told me that motherhood would open me up to more joy than I thought possible. But no one mentioned it would also hurt—that the hard times would hurt and the joy itself would hurt, in an aching, stretching sort of way. Kind of like the growing pains of childhood, or the opening pains of early labor, when it’s more of a dull ache. Like when I crawl into my toddler’s bed to wake her up in the morning, and she wraps her arms around…

Baby is Here!

Introducing the newest addition to our family…. Grace Girl! Here she is being a precious newborn.       Here she is peeing on her daddy during a photoshoot. I will write up her birth story to share at another time… maybe when I have a bit more distance from it. For now, though, suffice it to say it was a humbling experience reminding me that, as they say, “it rains on everyone.” *** I am immensely grateful to have a beautiful, healthy baby girl! I felt so much joy when they first laid her on my stomach. Stay tuned for a future post on what I’m doing to help Warrior Girl with the transition to big sisterhood. It is certainly a huge change for her.     &nbsp…

The Art of Apologizing

I’ve messed up a lot in my life and I’ve hurt a lot of people. Many of those people I’m no longer in contact with, and will probably never apologize to. And now, although I can’t think of the last time I intentionally tried to hurt someone else, I still do it far more frequently than I wish I did. Bottom line, human relationships are messy. Even if you try to never offend or upset anyone ever and coat all your words in sugar-honey-molasses-toffee and say whatever you think the other person wants you to say…you will upset someone sometime. And also that sugary business sounds exhausting and requires a lot of mind-reading. Which is a skill I do not possess at the time of this writing. Combine all the accidental-offense giving with all the times I just plain make stupid mistakes, like paperwork errors, forgetting to respond to an email, or forgetting to pick something up at the store, and what you have is a moderate-sized stew of human error. Fortunately, I can cope with that. Here’s how: I know how…

Things My Parents Did Right

While there was certainly a time I could never imagine thanking my parents for anything, that time is fortunately long gone. Certainly becoming a mother has had something to do with that, as has the very gradual development of my frontal cortex. And now I can appreciate many of the brilliant and selfless things they did for me.

However, in an age when children playing kick the can until the streetlights turn on is a nostalgic vision from the past, I can truly appreciate that aspects of my childhood were charmed…

Multiple Perspectives on Warrior Girl’s Birth – Which is the Better Story?

Warrior Girl is 2 years and 3 months old now, and as I prepare for her sister’s upcoming birth, (did I mention we’re having a GIRL?!?) memories of Warrior Girl’s birth are fresh on my mind. It was one of the most incredible days of my life, because it was the day I met my daughter and the day I became a mother.  But in addition to that, part of what was incredible was the actual process of giving birth. Reader beware: the story below contains talk of cervix, dilation, etc. Oh, and one F-bomb. Because birth is messy, people. Turn back now if you don’t want the details. *** My water broke at 11:30 pm on August 4th. It was the full-on gush that happens frequently in movies and much less frequently in real life. I was suddenly confronted with many of my fears about giving birth and remember vividly thinking What have I gotten myself into? I laid in bed that night analyzing every cramp and twinge, waiting for labor to start. Was that a contraction? What the hell does a contraction even feel like? I got a…

Decaffeinated Beverage Choices for Pregnant or Breastfeeding Moms

Image credit Alper Cugun found here. Caffeine is pretty much my favorite indulgence. And while it’s awesome for many stages of life, it is less awesome during pregnancy and breastfeeding, mainly because it is easy to overdo it and overdoing it=potential issues for baby. There have been many times in the past that I tried to reduce my caffeine intake, but my efforts were always short lived or superficial. For example, I would cut out coffee but then end up drinking 32 ounces of iced black tea every day instead. One time I tried to cut caffeine out cold turkey… that didn’t last long as I soon got a wicked splitting headache that pretty much rendered me no longer functional. Before getting pregnant with Warrior Girl, I drank 20 ounces of coffee every morning and usually had black or green tea every afternoon. Sometimes I would have “second coffee” as well instead of afternoon tea. While many women do continue to drink coffee throughout pregnancy, I felt that my intake was way too much and I really wanted to cut down or quit before getting pregnant. I was fortunate in that I…

How I Go 90% With Cloth Diapering

Cloth diapering is not easier than using disposables. It is, in fact, more work. Just let that sink in for a moment. Or, if you’re already a cloth-diapering parent you’re like, “obviously, bro.” So, why would anyone choose to cloth diaper? There are two main reasons: 1.) It is so. much. cheaper.  2.) Save the planet! Side benefits include: they are usually more gentle on baby bums, babies/toddlers will understand that peeing=wetness which helps immensely with potty training (so I’ve heard, haven’t crossed that bridge yet), and of course, that priceless smugness that only comes from making unpleasant sacrifices for the good of the planet. Cloth diapering is really not a big deal for our family, and is just part of our routine. Here’s is what we do and how: We have 18 cloth diapers and 3 wet bags for Warrior Girl. (You really only need 12-14). 11 of the diapers are All-In-One cloth diapers similar to these, and 7 are Fuzzi Bunz pocket diapers. Here is a great article clarifying the differences in the various types of cloth diapers. Every other…

Affirmations for People with a Savior Complex

Our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world shape our behaviors on the daily. And that is why I love affirmations–choosing intentionally what I want to believe. Whenever I realize I want/need to change my mind about something, I write affirmations to say to myself to help restructure my ways of thinking. It’s pretty much non-invasive brain surgery. Of course, many times affirmations are not enough to rewire a lifetime of experience and thinking, but they are a useful tool nonetheless. I realized something rather unfortunate recently: I have a bit of a savior complex. AKA, some hidden belief that others need me in order to function. This is probably pretty common for people in helping professions. This is also known as needing to be needed, codependency, and hero syndrome. It’s essentially just a bit too much of a good thing. It’s when wanting to help others is tinged by a belief that we are smarter/more competent/more capable or worse than others, and we seek to feel important, needed, and loved through helping and serving. It becomes about us. And it can quickly turn toxic in relationships. A…