Why I failed at Night Weaning (and how you can… not fail)

Disclosure: some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. Thanks for supporting Home In Wonderland!

I’ve always loved organized mom blogs. The ones where they purport they follow a weekly cleaning schedule, and a weekly menu plan, and their baby naps consistently precisely at such-and-such o’clock. Sigh. I’ve also always loved the illusion of control, and of doing things “right.”

Yes, oh yes, I was one of those new moms who researched the *eh hem out of everything prior to trying it. (You don’t even want to know how many times I googled “2 month old baby clingy and fussy,” “3 month old baby clingy and fussy”). By no means, and under no circumstances, did I leave my parenting up to instinct. Oh no! I wanted to know what the experts recommended, what the peer-reviewed research said. I did not want to screw anything up.

So, consequently, you’d think myself and my beautiful little baby girl would be excellent candidates for sleep training. It would appear that I could follow instructions. When Warrior Girl was born, I was just about to start my second year of a three-year Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling Program. I returned to school two weeks after her birth, engorged and sleep deprived.

Sleep was a top priority.

In the newborn days, in a sleep-deprived haze, I read articles online telling me to put her down awake, telling me by no means should you nurse your infant to sleep. I was a little scared, but I also said to my mom, “if nursing is a reliable way to get her to sleep, isn’t that a good thing?” 

All this I read alongside advice from breastfeeding support websites, which informed me that cry-it-out ruins the attachment relationship and that breastfeeding should be the go-to way to comfort baby, night or day.

At any rate, when Warrior Girl was about 2 months old, I decided I wanted to teach her to nap in her crib, rather than on my chest, so I could actually get stuff done (although I appreciated the opportunity/excuse to watch a lot of Gilmore Girls prior to that).

I also tried to start putting her down awake for naps. I used the Baby Whisperer’s pick up/put down method, which involves picking them up every time they start crying, but then putting them down again the moment they’re calm.

I also tried to get her on an eat/activity/sleep routine at that point (a little challenging/unrealistic when they are still eating every two hours). Warrior Girl got used to the change after about a week, and while putting her down awake in her crib for naps still involved endless patience and off-key renditions of “Go to Sleep My Little Buckaroo,” it became possible.

Nights, however, were another story.

In the early months, Sage slept in our room and I nursed her each time she woke up crying. (J handled most of the nighttime diapers). She slept pretty well when she was little and still able to be swaddled.

Transitioning from the swaddle, though was an ordeal, and after the 4-month sleep regression, she began waking 4+ times a night.

Update 5/21/18: With Warrior Girl’s little sister, we’re trying this swaddle transition product which I’ve heard great things about.

By the time she was 6 months old, however, I really wanted to reduce her night feeds from 4-5 to ZERO. Or at least only 3.

The first thing I tried was simply not feeding her until x time, x being the latest she had ever slept on her own. When my sweet baby woke up crying, and when her cries escalated to banshee wails, I turned to J in a panic and said, “What should I do? It’s only midnight and I’m not supposed to feed her yet!”

“Just feed her,” he muttered groggily, and rolled over.

Well, I was temporarily very determined to carry out my plan, so I called my mom (yes at midnight) (because I am an independent adult) and literally cried to her on the phone that I was afraid my baby would not be able to trust me anymore and this was going to ruin our attachment relationship but I didn’t know what to do and I was so tired and this was the worst thing ever, etc. etc. She calmly reassured me Warrior Girl could do it and I could do it. She stayed on the phone with me while I sat next to the crib and sang, sat next to the crib and prayed, and generally had a conniption. Eventually, the appointed hour came. I picked up Warrior Girl, nursed her, and she fell right to sleep.

After that, I decided I needed a different way to reduce Warrior Girl’s night feeds. I followed the advice of my pediatrician and the internet and started pushing back her first night feed by 15 minutes her night. After the first night feed, the milk bar was open the rest of the night. Theoretically, I loved this because it limited crying (and staying awake listening to crying) to only 15 minutes.

In practice, however, there was a small problem: at 1:28 in the morning, I found I had a tendency to stick the screaming mouth on the boob, close my eyes, lean back, only to have my eyes pop open as I realize I wasn’t supposed to feed her until 2!

Before bed, I would rehearse my sleep training plan for the night. Sometimes, I would even write it down. And yet, again and again, I would completely forget what time I was supposed to feed her, or I would pop her on the boob before even looking at the clock and realizing it was only 10:30 pm and I wasn’t supposed to feed her until 2:15! 

That was not the only problem. The other problem was that even though she had slept until 2 before, occasionally she would wake up at 11 pm when I was not supposed to feed her until 2. Then, the theoretical 15 minute cry would potentially be a 2 hour-long cry. Because that child was/is persistent and was/is a boob baby and did/does have a tendency to get hangry.

So on those unfortunate occasions, I would be in the regrettable position of denying her the one thing that would make her happy and get us both some sleep… Or, sometimes, not denying her.

Yes, I caved. Many times. Sometimes right away. Sometimes after valiant and determined efforts to wait at least a few minutes to see if she would go back to sleep (which she literally never did).

At one point before she turned one, I even went through a phase of thinking sleeping through the night was just another milestone that would mean my baby was basically a grown woman and it was all going so fast anyway so what was the hurry and I might as well nurse and cuddle her all I can while I can.

That phase rapidly ended at the end of that semester as I began to drown in final papers and my coffee drinking increased exponentially and the sleep deprivation left me crying on the phone to my mom on the daily. (On a side note, what’s with all the crying to my mom? And furthermore, what’s with the sharing that information publicly and repeatedly on this blog?)

And thus, I was a complete sleep training failure. I lacked consistency, I lacked a functioning brain in the middle of the night, I lacked the ability to listen to my baby cry without losing my mind. Though I many times recommitted and felt fierce determination, I always faltered when the going got tough and my baby sounded hysterical and scared.

***

I am happy to report Warrior Girl turns 2 on Saturday and she has slept through the night (10-11 hours) for quite some time now. What eventually worked? How did this possibly happen in the midst of my inconsistent crazy-making?

Sending my husband in.

That’s it. If it was before x appointed time that she was supposed to sleep until, my husband went in. This frequently resulted in him sleeping on her floor. But, he didn’t have the “baba,” and Warrior Girl knew it, so she was willing to go back to sleep.

Eventually, this appointed time got later and later until she was sleeping through the night. Granted, she was close to 17 months before she was doing full 11-hour nights sans the 5 am feed. We eventually weaned her of the 5 am feed by my husband bringing her to bed when she cried at 5 whilst I would sneak out to the couch to grab a couple more hours of sleep.

So… that is why I failed at sleep training: because I am an inconsistent softie and I couldn’t make up my mind about my approach. Or, I made up my mind multiple times, but it was always to do something different.

Which brings us to how you can not fail:

Know yourself.

Do you get a little panicky when your baby cries? Unless you can sleep at a friend’s house while someone else night weans your baby, you might be at risk of failing with cry-it-out methods.

Do you handle your baby’s cries with calm finesse, stating, “It’s okay for her to cry?” You might be able to hack one of those three day cry-it-out plans.

Are you one of those consistent, organized moms whose mom-blog I would potentially like to stalk? Go get em, mama! This is the recipe for success for fast (cry-it-out) or slower (“gentle”) sleep training methods.

Have you changed your political ideology 5 times in the past 3 years? Do you find it impossible to follow a rotating menu plan because you need constant variety? Have you had 7 different “life callings,” with 3 more lined up for potential future lives?

If so, hey, that’s okay. But know yourself and know you might really struggle sticking to a consistent plan as the lure of different plans/philosophies might sing their siren song when the going gets tough.

If you’re one of those moms who changes her mind about major and minor things as a rule, you might do best with a flexible approach that doesn’t require intense consistency.

If you can’t handle crying and feel intense guilt about it, you might want to skip cry-it-out methods.

If you are both highly changeable AND can’t handle crying, you might be best off sending your partner in (or friend/mom/sibling) or co-sleeping instead.

Of course, it’s important to consider your child’s temperament as well. Some babies are simply more high-strung and some are more doggedly persistent than others. Such babies are harder to sleep train using strict methods.

Finally, if you have a partner who is involved, their temperament makes a big difference too. Will they help you? Better, can they do it for you? Will they encourage you to follow through or just tell you to feed the baby during your moments of weakness?

So that’s it: consider your own personality, your baby’s personality, and your partner’s personality. Doing so is essential for success.

***

So what sleep teaching method am I planning to use with my next baby?

I have no effing idea.