The Great Surrender Experiment

Here’s the thing: I do not like to leave things up to fate/the universe/God/whatever. I am not one of those “go with the flow” people, one of those “let go and let God” people. I am more one of those “If I can’t create a 30-step plan to make it happen, it must be impossible and therefore will not happen,” people.

I have always actually believed that: that if I can’t see every step of the way for how an outcome might be achieved, it cannot be achieved. Yes, I know how arrogant that sounds. Much of what I have accomplished to this point has been through sheer force of will, for the most part, and brute effort. Very bootstrappy, if you know what I mean (towards myself, mind you. I will never tell you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Unless your boot is falling off).

In many ways it has worked well: I have a master’s degree, a fulfilling career, and beautiful daughter who I got pregnant with by obsessively analyzing my cycle and fertility signs.

On the other hand, I am exhausted. And making babies that way is not very romantic. But I was determined to give birth during summer break between semesters! It. All. Had. To. Be. According. To. My. Plan. *eye twitch. And did I mention it all became exhausting?

I nearly dropped out during my last year of grad school because it became such a drag to force myself to do things I didn’t want to do day in and day out. It felt like dragging around a gigantic backpack of TEXTBOOKS everywhere I went. No, not fun books, funny books, children’s novels, or fantasy—textbooks.

Nowadays, there are other things I want for my life, goals I would like to achieve, ways I would like to live. However, my usual ways of doing things is starting to get a little…old, not fun, a little…heavy. So it occurred to me to try something different.

You know where this is going, right? I decided to try having a little trust in the One to provide for my needs, to guide me where I need to go, to provide a way where there appears to be none. Part of me is skeptical (maybe that nihilistic part that looks at people and sees strange, strange animals), but that is why I am telling myself it is just an experiment.

I’ve tried the other way and I know how it goes. It is hard work, often boring, and can potentially lead to heart disease. Of course, there are upsides to that paradigm too. But why not experiment, have a little fun, try something new?

So what does that look like for me? I am praying for what I really want, and asking to be guided in the best action to take, (assuming what I really want is what is really best for me and everyone involved). Then, I am trusting that if it is the right thing for me and my family, a way will be made. I am believing I don’t have to know how it will work out. This frees me to take the first step, as opposed to analyzing every detail, concluding it is impossible, and then opting out of action.

I woke up this morning either dreaming a prayer, or having a prayer prayed as I awoke which said “What would you have me do? Please use me as you see fit.”

Then, I shrugged that experience off and went about my day. Somewhere between dishes and diapers and getting ready for work, I realized I have not fully committed to pursuing my dreams; I am still holding back. I then realized I need to commit, at least for a trial period. At the sink, with soap suds between my fingers, the next step to take came to me.

I need to write 30 minutes/day, 5 days/week. That’s it, folks. Also that’s all I can imagine squeezing into my schedule at this point, considering Warrior Girl has a zero tolerance policy for me being on the computer while she is awake.

Don’t know where it is leading, don’t know what the step after that will be. All I know is how I’m spending 6-6:30 am every morning for the next several months. And that I’m going to keep trusting, keep surrendering, keep listening for guidance.

For now, anyways. As an experiment.

4 COMMENTS

  1. Mary | 13th Aug 17

    You go girl! Your experiment inspires me.

  2. Yes, Goodness and Courage Exist. Here are 10 Books that Taught Me So. – Home in Wonderland | 27th Aug 17

    […] believing as strongly as ever that faith and love persist in the darkest night. Speaking of trust and surrender, this woman had both in spades. If you read one book from this list, I recommend this […]

  3. jacks | 7th Sep 17

    I remember talking about this. Love the post so much I shared.

    • Margaret Sky | 11th Sep 17

      Thanks so much for sharing! 🙂

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